Friendship

I have been thinking about friendship a lot lately.

I have been mulling around feelings and thoughts and events and it finally all came out last night with a conversation I had with my husband.

He expressed his concern that I don't go out and do things with friends.

The water works started as all the emotions I had been tucking away came crashing through the front door. I told him that I was afraid of friends.

I know this sounds odd. Hear me out.

I had a dear friend- or who I thought was a dear friend. We did everything together. You couldn't separate us. We got in trouble at work for talking too much. I loved her. We were both weird and fit well together. We would read the same books, watch the same movies, make cards and scrap book. Our husbands liked each other and we hung out whenever we could despite the distance we lived from each other. I felt safe around her.

I had a baby and she didn't. That changed our socializing habits outside of work, but that was all. I knew she wasn't into kids- and so I tried not to overwhelm her with baby stuff.

I didn't feel as though having a baby had upset the balance of our friendship.

A little bit before I quit my job at the Trustee's office, she started becoming distant. She wasn't telling me things like she used to. Wouldn't you tell a close friend that your husband changed jobs or that you were planning a trip out of the country? I felt hurt that she was leaving me out, but tried not to read too much into it. (The world doesn't revolve around Mandy.)

Pretty soon, I was being cut out of everything. No talking, no emails, no phone calls, our lunches together became silent and I had no clue what to say. I would randomly ask her if she was okay, if anything was wrong, if I had done something to tick her off. She always said she was fine and nothing was up. I noticed she would spend time writing lengthy emails to friends cross country, but wouldn't take the time to answer a quick email from me. More little instances had happened to have my feelings hurt by neglect, but I won't bother you with the details.

I went back to the office a few weeks ago to visit another friend and pick up something she had for me. I saw the first friend at lunch and decided to say hello. My heart broke when she looked up at me and had a look on her face that screamed- what are you doing here and oh great, now I have to talk to you. It was an awkward conversation that got absolutely nowhere. When I left, I cried the whole way home. What had happened to my friendship?

Since then, I have only been spending time with my long time friend from high school because I knew it was safe. She and I have been through so much together and I know that she accpets me no matter what and I accept her no matter what and we will always be there for each other. She will never abandon me. I took refuge in that.

I have closed myself off to others the past few months. I didn't see it until last Sunday. We had our lesson on Frienship. There was such a warm spirit there. I felt a desire to be more friendly to the ladies that I don't know so well, and to hang out with the girls that I do. Well, one of those friends, seemed distant. I smacked myself when I realized that I had been closing myself off from friendly advances, so she had stopped trying to force herself on me. I didn't want to be hurt again like I had when the friend at work had given me the heave-ho, so I pre-empted their shove off with my own.

Yes, I am a hypocrite.

I have done what had been done to me in a selfish attempt to not get hurt.

I am sorry.

After talking with my husband about it, he has encouraged me to get out and have friends over and have play dates and such. He sees how lonesome I have been. Having been hurt doesn't mean I get to hide- I am missing out on some great friendships.

So, Friends, here is my heart wide open with all its vulnerability for you to see. I apologize for keeping it from you for so long. Please forgive me.