Coming clean

The hardest part about blogging is to do it regularly, and t0 catch up when you haven't.

I usually post about dance stuff because it's easy and a cop out. Yes, I want to share the fun things I do with it, but sometimes I only post that stuff because it's all I feel I have to offer.

I have another dance blog that I would put stuff on for people at the dance studio to be able to see and pick up choreography etc. I've thought about not posting anything dance related on this blog, but then it would be blank.

But it isn't like you're getting frequent updates anyway.

I need to come clean.

I've been battling depression again. Blech. It's been quite a few months now. Only in the past few have I recognized that I could no longer handle it on my own and needed to seek medical help and go back on meds.

I am happy to report that I am getting better. The medication I am on is hitting a different chemical than those I've tried in the past. I feel this is a much better fit for me.

However, I still feel unpredictable. Which makes me mad. Because there's no stinking reason for me to change moods so quickly. And I recognize it's part of the disease- but it still irks me.

I know I have bi polar tendencies. But not full bi polar disorder.
I'm either really excited about a project one day and want to get it done right then. And the next day I don't care if I put a single bit of effort into it. It's one of the reasons I get sucked into TV shows, books etc. Because I'm in it all the way, 200%, full throttle and infuse it into my brain. Then I'm totally over it.

I haven't been able to work much because of depression. Some days I can't get out of bed and I don't care about anything. Good news- Those days are drastically reduced now. But the not working, and deciding not to go to competition in June, has reduced my clientele, so even if I had a great day and wanted to work lots, there aren't the people for me at the moment.
Not working has put a strain on us financially. And that's what made me break down to get help. Kevin was drowning in working hours to help us make ends meet. We argued about it and finally I had to tell him why I wasn't working. It was horrible to know that I had unintentionally driven my husband into the ground and he had nothing left. The look on his face was so weary. I felt like a horrible wife.
Once I told him what was going on, we had a whole other can of worms to deal with. We had a hard time understanding each other for a while. He wanted explanations as to why I felt the way I did, and I didn't have any- because there wasn't any. It's been another learning process.
He has really come through and tried so hard to understand where I am coming from and give me space to figure things out. Either that or he just doesn't even try any more because he feels I'm hopeless and it won't change. I don't know. I'd like to think the former as opposed to the latter.

I've had to let people in to help be my support group. I'm so grateful for all of you. You know who you are.

Again, things are looking up. Meds are working. Able to mostly function again. Few setbacks. Great support. Lots of prayers.

I have to tell myself- One day at a time. One day at a time.