A Balanced Life

The gal who was teaching Relief Society today had called earlier in the week and asked me to give a portion of the lesson on balancing life as a new mom. Things have been upside down for me as you should know from reading my blog. So, when she told me what she was asking for, I almost laughed in her face. But, because she is a friend, I agreed to help her out.

Here is the run down of my talk: (Please forgive any redundancy. The lesson was for people who don't read my blog.)

I’m going to be honest with you here. In this balancing act called life, gravity is kicking my butt.

I’d like to meet the woman who says that she has a perfectly balanced life. Hopefully she’d be willing to share her secrets with me- Her secrets or the pills she’s on.

Being a new mom is hard. You know going into it, that it will be very hard. In the beginning, “very hard” only covers the difficulty level of getting out of bed to go to the bathroom when you get home from the hospital. People try to warn you, and you listen. But nothing can really prepare you for the roller coaster ride you’re about to go on.

I am blessed with a wonderful son. He is a good boy- the best I could ask for. I know that Heavenly Father sent me a mellow child so I wouldn’t kill him. Even with a great kid who really is as low maintenance as they come, I find myself pulling out my hair. I don’t believe it’s because of Thomas, more that I feel like these new responsibilities are all so overwhelming and impossible to swallow.

I have battled some serious post partum depression. It has been debilitating. It has morphed into severe anxiety and panic attacks. Sometimes I can feel one coming on, but the majority of the time, they hit without any warning. It’s terrifying and embarrassing when it happens. It’s bad enough when it happens at home or in my office by myself- let alone if I’m out in public. In fact, it’s the main reason why I haven’t been to church consistently in a year. I haven’t gone much of anywhere other than work.

The majority of the anxiety comes from feeling completely overwhelmed and that I’ll never be able to accomplish everything that I think is expected of me as a wife and mother. There is so much to do and so many responsibilities that have been added to my life in the past 10 months. The resulting stress of these feelings to be adequate enough has made me physically ill and sent me to the hospital. This is not a route that I recommend to anyone. But on the plus side- the doctors have ruled out a brain tumor and ended up diagnosing my symptoms as “an extreme reaction to acute stress.”

I didn’t know how to deal with all of this, so I decided to start counseling. Now, I’m not saying that counseling is the answer for everyone. I was just at the point where I couldn’t think things through rationally. If the chores weren’t done and I didn’t spend time with Thomas and if we didn’t have a home cooked meal- I felt I was failing at being a good wife and mom. I wasn’t doing enough because there was always more to be done. Something always feels like it’s being ignored. There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to get to everything, have quality time with my husband and to take care of Thomas the way I want to. I can’t imagine what you moms with more than one kid go through. You should get automatic sainthood in my opinion.

My reaction to these overwhelming thoughts seem ridiculous when I think about all that I have going in my favor. I have more than I ever thought I would. I have a great husband, a wonderful son, a good job, beautiful home, good friends and a testimony. By all accounts I shouldn’t feel as though the world were crashing down on me. But having all of these blessings doesn’t get the shopping done, dinner on the table, or the laundry folded. Not to mention Visiting Teaching, taking dinner to the neighbors or volunteering at the elementary school.


One counselor suggested this to put things in perspective: You decide what’s good enough.
I’m still trying to digest this concept and integrate it into my life. It’s easier said than done. However, the theory of this is liberating. When there is no longer a mold for you to fit in or a mark for you to hit- you can be yourself and be happy. Your “good enough” isn’t the same as someone else’s “good enough”. It doesn’t have to be. If you’ve done all you feel you can do for the day- then you’ve met your requirements. If doing one more thing is going to throw you over the edge into hysterical sobbing or a fit of rage then you can assume that you’ve hit your quota. You might even consider bringing your level for “good enough” down a couple of notches. I try to remember that I don’t have to be Martha Stewart and I don’t have to make my own bread. Who am I trying to impress anyway?

When I find myself getting upset at Thomas because I have to stop folding laundry to head him off from the stairs, I try to take a second to decide what is more important: The laundry or my kid falling down the stairs? One step further is that I wouldn’t have anything to be upset about if I wasn’t folding laundry in the first place. So I suggest that we should all make our husbands fold the laundry from now on.

I’m a big fan of lists. But when I tackle a list- I don’t do it in any particular order. I might start with the items on the bottom or in the middle of the list. Mostly I jump around. It helps to make me feel as though the list is less demanding. At least I know that the items will all get their proper attention- it will just be on my time and my terms. If you’re not in the mood to vacuum the floor, do the dishes instead. Life can’t be ignored, but you can choose which tasks are tackled first. We do have some control over our lives even when it seems to be smothering us.

Having a balanced life doesn’t mean everything is perfect. This is a journey that we continue every day. A balanced life in my opinion is recognizing the things that are important and necessary and doing our best to focus our efforts on fulfilling those things one step at a time.