I haven't been to church in two months. That's right two months. And it's been spotty before then. It's bad.
I have neglected my calling and assumed that others would pick up my slack.
Thomas and I have been taking turns being sick- and I can't send him to nursery. Kevin works all night long and only makes it to church if he is teaching Elders Quorum. He's sleeping, so he can't be with Thomas. So that leaves me to be home with him.
I feel like a bad Member and a bad mother.
I worry that Thomas hasn't had a routine as far as church goes. And with him beginning Sunbeams in January- I freak out that it will all be so foreign to him that he will be naughty. I don't want the reputation of having a bad kid. Or be labled as a bad Mom.
And after all this time of just disappearing and leaving the music in Relief Society to the pianist and who knows who else to lead it- I am ashamed to show my face. I'm convinced in my head, that others will be thinking, "Oh! Look who decided to show up and do her job!"
I want to be there. Things keep creeping up so I can't be there. Every Saturday night, I hope that either Thomas or I will be okay so we can go so I don't get a sub. Then every Sunday we aren't well.
I don't want Thomas to miss out on these precious moments. I want him to love church and know how to behave while there. I feel I am to blame for his shortcomings in this arena.
When will it get better? How do I fill in the blank? Do I send him with a runny nose? How do I go back and accept the possible negative thoughts as I try to do my job?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Inside my head
Rambled by Mandy at Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Labels: Innner Thoughts
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4 additional ramblings:
you do the best you can and forget the rest.
WHO CARES what people think.
when ellie was little [and jonas too] it felt like we made it maybe 5 times from oct-april. even now, if jonas is sick, he stays home. he went once in october.
maybe you should explain yourself to the rs pres, and ask for a less demanding [not sunday] calling. ask to serve somewhere that works with kevin's schedule.
i hope you read this as me being supportive, not as me thinking you are silly. cause i definitely do not think that you are silly:) i totally get it.
i think you do your best, and then seriously, don't sweat it!
If you're reason for not going is because you are worried what others will think; then you should definitely not worry about that! If others want to judge you then that's their problem.
You know what is best for you and your family and nobody else can tell you what that is. Maybe if Thomas just has a runny nose and isn't sicker than that you could just come and bring him to sacrament. Maybe you and Kevin should talk and figure out if there is a way he could change his schedule so he can make it to church every Sunday.
Heavenly Father knows your heart and if you ask him he will help you figure out a way for you to do what you are supposed to be doing.
Call if you need to talk or if you need anything at all!
I hope you didn't start beating yourself up after I called to set up a visiting appointment. Julie has made a goa to get out and visit everyone, and we are just going down the list. Also, don't stress about your calling, I usually lead, and don't mind doing so at all, so it is not putting anyone out. Although I personally miss your awesome, bring us back to reality comments, and I miss you, no one is judging you. Besides having sick kids is rough, and it is always a hard call what to do about it. Plus, since I have a kid in Thomas' class, I say thanks for not exposing her to all those sick germs. See you Thursday, it will be nice to chat a little
You are definitely not a bad mom. You are a good mom just watching out for him and others so you don't get them sick. Don't beat yourself up for not always being there. You do what you have to do. I am still trying to come to terms with that myself and it is hard for me, but you are not judged. We love you very much and miss you when you are not there. Heavenly Father knows what you can do and he understands your circumstances, all you have to do is try your best and that is all that matters. You know you can call me if you need anything.
Love: your friend
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